This post is the seventh post in a series entitled Keys To Unlocking Great Relationships. Read the previous entries in this series here

For today’s post, I would like to discuss the power of choices, and how they impact our relationships. Many of these thoughts come from the work of Dr. Henry Cloud, in his book entitled “Changes That Heal.” Any of my classmates that read this will laugh because they know how much I love this book. I recently had to reread it for class and I was reminded again of how incredibly life changing it was for me. If I could only read two books for my entire life, I would choose the Bible and “Changes That Heal.” It really is that life changing and I wish everyone in the world would read it. If you want to grow spiritually, improve your relationships, and heal from past emotional wounds, than this book is for you.

Ok, enough of my soap box, but really, buy the book. Today, I want to share some thoughts I have been having as a result of reading this book namely:

We are responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, actions, desires, behaviors, and choices. We are NOT responsible for the thoughts, feelings, actions, desires, behaviors, and choices of others.

a. We are responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. No one has the power to make us feel or do anything.

b. Yes, we should be sensitive to how our behavior affects others, but ultimately we are not responsible for how they choose to react to our choices.

c. In the same vein, we have the power to choose how we will react to the choices of others. People may do things that hurt us, but ultimately we are responsible for how we choose to handle this pain. Although this truth can sound harsh, it is actually quite empowering. We are no longer victims of our circumstance. Yes, we may feel sad about other’s choices, and we need to allow ourselves to mourn and be angry about the sin of others. However, we must not get stuck there. We must use this hurt and pain to motivate us to action.

There is so much to say about this topic, but I just wanted to share a basic overview on the idea of choice. If we remember we are free to make our own choices, this releases us from the bondage of resentment and martyrdom. If we remember that we are not responsible for the thoughts, feelings, desires, and behaviors of others, we are freed from guilt and over-responsiblity. These concepts have revolutionized the way I relate to those around me.

Understanding the power of my choices and having a proper view of my responsibilities has freed me to love authentically in that I am no longer motivated by guilt or fear.