This post is the third post in a series entitled Keys To Unlocking Great Relationships. Read the previous entries in this series here.
Today I would like to share with you five easy ways to improve you communication skills. These tips can be applied in any of your relationships including those with your family, friends, and co-workers.
1) Be Intentional
Relationships will not improve without intentional effort. Make time in your schedule to spend with those important to you (this may mean actually writing down specific times in your planner). If you live far away from loved ones, schedule one time in your week for important phone calls. During busy weeks, I often combine these calls with other activities including taking a walk or cleaning. A quick check-in email can also be very meaningful. Reaching out and connecting doesn’t have to mean an hour phone call, it can mean just taking five minutes to write a quick email. Do what you can with the time that you have.
2) Find Connection Points
Learn what the other person likes and is interested in. Find out what they enjoy doing and do it with them. Ask questions to learn about the deeper parts of their life. I have mentioned this in previous posts, but it bears repeating, the more we know about the person (their story, hurts, and dreams) the more empathy we will have for them.
3) Use Appropriate Humor
Learn to play together. As adults, sometimes I think we take each other too seriously. I have found this to be especially helpful with spouses, children, and roommates. It is always easier to communicate when you are laughing or doing something fun together.
4) Use “I feel” Statements
This means when in a confrontation, beginning your statements with “I feel…… when you…..” instead of ‘You did…..and I feel……” I know sometimes these phrases can feel contrived and phony when you first start using them, but they really do reduce defensiveness. They also prevent the conversation from starting out with a harsh tone. Let me share an example:
Wife: “I feel hurt when you don’t call when you are going to be late for dinner.” This is as opposed to saying, “You never call when you are going to be late and it really hurts me”
The second phrase has a much more accusatory tone, and is much more likely to result in a defensive response from her husband. These statements can also help you own your feelings. If someone uses an “I feel” statement to confront you, a helpful response is “What would you like me to do differently?” Again, I know this type of conversation can feel forced at first, but it really can work. I have seen it dramatically improve my relationships.
5) Be Clear About Your Goals Before Entering a Confrontation
Make sure you know exactly what you hope to communicate, and come up with a plan to explain how you feel. This may mean taking some time to think about what you want to say before you have a difficult conversation. Writing in a journal can also be helpful. If you are unclear of what you want to communicate, there is a much higher potential for misunderstandings and escalation. During the conversation, try to stay focused on the main issues, and avoid getting sidetracked by minor disagreements.