Today’s post is the second in the series entitled “Keys To Unlocking Great Relationships” To read previous posts, click here.
Today, I would like to share a couple of simple principles that have been foundational for me as I seek to build positive relationships in my life. I was reminded of these ideas as I was having coffee with a friend yesterday, and thought I would pass them on.
Know Thy Self
At first read, you may wonder if we are talking about improving relationships with other people, why would you want to focus on yourself? This is a valid question, however, allow me to explain. I believe that if we do not understand ourselves, we will never understand the people we are wanting to relate to.
We must ask ourselves, why do I have these types of reactions to this specific person? What kind of feelings do they bring out in me, and why? Why do their words affect me so much more than other people? Does this person or situation remind me of anything from my past, and am I letting that experience taint this one?
Often our difficulties in relationships have less to do with the other person, and more to do with our own feelings and experiences. Don’t get me wrong, there are difficult people in this world, and people who will intentionally hurt us. But it is our reactions to these situations that will ultimately determine how they affect our life. This leads me to my second point….
The Only Person You Can Control Is Yourself
This is such a hard one for me to remember, but when I do, it dramatically improves my interactions with others. I have to continually remind myself that it is not my job nor right to attempt to change someone else. The only person I can change is me. I can express my feelings, thoughts, and opinions to others, but I am not responsible for their choices.
If someone continues to make hurtful or damaging choices, I can set a boundary with them to protect myself. If I continue to allow them to affect me in a negative way, that is my responsibility, not theirs. As Carl Sandburg says, “Love your neighbor as yourself; but don’t take down the fence”
Especially in challenging relationships, I need to continually examine my reactions. I must understand and accept myself, and learn to accept others where they are at. This does not mean we can not encourage others to make healthier choices, but again I must remember that encourage and pressure are very different.
If we can learn to extend grace to both ourselves and others, we will be on the path to healthier relationships. It is very good to have goals and aspirations, but we must guard against always wishing we were further along in the journey. Relationships are processes that take time, and we must give ourselves the freedom to allow and enjoy that time.