This post is the seventh post in a series entitled Keys To Unlocking Great Relationships. Read the previous entries in this series here.. Today’s post will be a continuation of my thoughts from last week, stemming from my review of Dr. Henry Cloud’s “Changes That Heal.”

This week I would like to discuss our desires and how they impact our relationships. Dr. Cloud explains that we are responsible for our desires. This concept really challenged me in light of my newlywed status. I realized I often hold my husband responsible for things that are ultimately my desire thus my responsibility.

Let me give an example. Susan’s desire is to have a beautifully landscaped yard. She asks her husband to spend his weekends working on the yard. The only problem is Susan’s husband does not desire to have a beautifully landscaped yard. He just wants an average but well-kept yard. Thus, he begins to resent Susan incessantly pressuring him to work on the yard.

This situation would be different if Susan’s husband had also expressed a desire to have a beautifully landscaped lawn, but he did not. He wants to love his wife and help her with her desires, but he is feeling over burdened by all the responsibility for the yard.

I must note that, this concept of desire must be balanced with the truth that we have responsibility to those we are in relationship with. We are called to live selflessly, and to give our time and energy to others. However, we should be giving out of a grateful heart, and not out of feelings of obligation and resentment. If we have a clear understanding of who owns the desires, we can learn to give appropriately without taking on too much responsibility. Also, if we learn to own our desires, we can learn to ask for help in the proper way.

For example, since a beautiful lawn is actually Susan’s desire, she should take the bulk of the responsibility for making that happen. It is more than appropriate to ask her husband for help but she should frame it as a request, not an expectation. She could ask by saying “Honey, I know you are really busy, but would you be willing to spend an hour or two helping me out with the yard on Saturday? It would really mean a lot to me”

One more thought on this example, another possibility is that they both desire a beautiful lawn. In this case they should share equal responsibility for the work it will take to achieve that goal.

Now I would like to give you a couple of ways to practically implement this concept to improve your relationships:

1) Identify who owns the desires in your stuck places.
Do you find yourself repeatedly arguing about the same things? For example, do you often find yourself saying:

“I want _____ to be different, or I wish ______ was or was not happening.”

If so, think about who owns the desires that drive those statements? If you discover that your desires drive them, is there a way you can take ownership of those desires? Or, is there a way you can ask for help by phrasing the request as an invitation rather than an expectation?

If you discover that the desire that drives those statements is a shared goal, you may need to share that you are feeling over responsible for the work it is going to take to achieve that goal.

2) Set goals with your spouse in order to clarify shared desires

If you have a set of goals that you both desire to achieve, you can better evaluate your wants and responsibilities. If a frustrating situation occurs you can go back to your goals and decide if the desire is yours, his, or a shared responsibility.

I hope you find these concepts as helpful and powerful as I have. Even though I have framed this concept in the context of marriage, I feel it is applicable to many other types of relationships. I would love to hear your thoughts in the comment section!