This is the first post in my new series entitled, “Keys to Unlocking Great Relationships”. This series will run every Wednesday for 10 weeks.

Today, I would like to share with you a concept I learned while studying the work of Dr. John Gottman, the foremost expert on successful marriages. He has spent over 25 years scientifically researching what causes marriages to fail and what causes them to succeed. Although his work centers on marital relationships, I feel that many of his concepts can be used to improve any relationship, including relationships with roommates, friends, family, and co-workers. As you read this, think about the most challenging relationship in your life right now.

The one concept that I feel has been most transformational for me is the idea of positive or negative sentiment override.

This refers to the emotional lens by which you interpret all your interactions with this person. Are your default or baseline feelings about this person positive or negative? In its simplest form, positive sentiment override is believing the best in this person even when they make mistakes. Negative sentiment override is assuming the worst even when they do something positive. Let me give you some examples.

Example 1- Positive Sentiment Override
Mable’s husband is late getting home because he lost track of time. Instead of getting angry and making a sarcastic comment to him, She thinks to herself, “I know he isn’t doing this to intentionally upset me, he just gets busy and forgets. I am grateful he is so driven.”

Example 2-Negative Sentiment Override
Margie’s husband gets home early from work and asks if he can help for dinner. He is really trying to make an effort to be more involved in Margie’s life and connect with her. He knows he has dropped the ball recently and is sincerely trying to change. Instead of accepting his offer gratefully, She thinks to herself, “He must want something from me, or he has done something wrong and just hasn’t told me yet. He never offers to do something without wanting something in return, he is so selfish.”

As you can see, negative sentiment override is very corrosive in any relationship. However, especially in difficult relationships, we can start believing the worst in others before we know it. How can we change this and increase our positive feelings about the people who continually frustrate or disappoint us? Here are a few options:

1) Try to listen to their stories and hear their hearts. People are usually the way they are for a reason. What has shaped this person? What hurts live in their past? What are their hopes, fears, and dreams? If we can see them in the context of their story, it will help us relate to them. We are all imperfect people, and we all have a story.

Many times when people are hurtful or rude, they are operating out of their own fear and hurt. Try to see beyond the action and into the person. This does not mean excusing or ignoring negative and hurtful behavior. It does mean lovingly confronting that behavior in a way that doesn’t attack the character of the person who hurt you.

2) Find ways to build positive interactions and memories. Are there times when things work between the two of you? Intentionally put yourself in those situations. Find creative ways to learn about the person by doing things together.

3) Once you recognize your automatic negative thoughts about the person, intentionally try to replace them with more positive thoughts. It will be hard at first, but the more you do it, the more positive feelings will be built.

For more information on this concept and many more from Dr. Gottman, I highly recommend his book “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”.

In this book, he consolidated his 25 years of marriage research into 267 easy-to-read pages. His advice is validated by stringent scientific research, yet it is accessible and easy to implement. You can purchase the book on Amazon new from $9.37 or used from $5.99 by clicking here.

Here are some reviews of this book:

“Gottman comes to this endeavor with the best of qualifications: he’s got the spirit of a scientist and the soul of a romantic.” – Newsweek

“Twenty-five years of landmark marital research.” – USA Today